Godly Submission as a Wife

What was your first year of marriage like? 

I’ll never forget the shock of reality hitting Caleb and me in our first year of marriage when we both realized that we defined what a wife is and what she does for her husband differently. Obviously, we both brought different upbringings to our marriage, with different assumptions of what life would look like after the wedding. But when the day-to-day became harder because I felt like I was dropping the ball in some areas, while overachieving in so many others, I felt like I was failing as a wife.  

It was really hard to go from a life of unhinged independence and freedom from nearly all commitment and consequences (or so I thought at that time) to having someone to whom I was held accountable and having all of my decisions affect his life too. I felt frustrated a lot when he failed my expectations, and never realized I needed to communicate those expectations because I just figured that’s how things were for everyone once they were married. That trying first year brought up a fundamental question for both of us to answer. 

How do we define the role of a wife? 

What comes to mind when we talk about the role of a wife? When I think about the many roles and jobs and responsibilities a wife has, an exhaustive list would be overwhelming, but it probably wouldn’t really define what our real role is. As for most of our work as wives, others could do nearly all the jobs a wife does. Assistants, cooks, cleaners, accountants, estate managers, nannies, educators, therapists, friends etc. are all capable of filling the many jobs we do. But how do we really define a wife?  

The primary action that creates a wife is the vow a woman takes alongside her husband. When we make our vows to each other, we create a new life: our marriage. In doing this, we take on our new title of spouse. However, we define this role is usually how we end up executing it. If we are flippant in our commitment to marriage we might live with the idea that there is an escape route. Marriage might work out for us but just in case we don’t particularly favor being permanently attached, or when the wedded bliss turns into blistering work, we can always get a divorce. This is a view held by many in the world today. But not by God. 

“He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:4-6 

If we enter into our marriages fully aware of the seriousness with which we should hold our vows, we realize that it is an unbreakable oath we are making to our spouse and to God. The individuality of two people merges into one life, together. We are held to our vow for our entire lives by God. It is both a blessing and a massive responsibility to care for and keep our marriages intact. Marriage is a gift from God to humans, and unlike in the animal kingdom where instinct and domination are what create a successfully surviving species, God has given us a unique and wonderful commandment that is contrary to natural instincts in order for our marriages to thrive: He has commanded us as wives to submit to our husbands. 

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” Colossians 3:19 

“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” Ephesians 5:24 

I think the biggest hang-up I had coming into my marriage was the deep fear of the loss of my identity and my individuality. If I didn’t have those aspects of myself that I’d worked so hard to preserve, and made up so much of my personality, I wouldn’t be me anymore. I feared living an empty life of robotic adherence to religious tenants and the expectations of my husband. I feared I’d wake up miserable someday and be totally stuck, living out a life that wasn’t mine, with kids and a commitment that I no longer could faithfully keep. While I didn’t mind the idea of submitting to God (likely because my idea of God could easily be molded to whatever I wanted him to be at that time, and God would have never told me to submit if I didn’t like it), I couldn’t expect myself to really submit to my husband. We were just too different, and I feared he expected me to be some fake, polished version of myself in order to keep up appearances when we were at church or around his parents.  

My role as a wife was being defined by who I thought I was. 

These idols of my identity came from my life before marriage, from the experiences I’d lived and the world around me. But they weren’t biblical. God never said I was free to live my life on my own terms without consequences. In fact, I had it totally backwards. I am only free from the consequences of sin because of the work of his Son on the cross. Because of the work of Christ and because I have committed to live under his rule and his Lordship, I live my life in submission to God as proof of the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I don’t get to choose my terms, they have all been laid out for me. I am a slave to Christ now, and better because of it. I don’t live without worldly consequences either, because the discipline God gives me proves to me that he loves me.  

“Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” Colossians 3:23-24 

In reality, submitting to a husband isn’t the ultimate goal of being a Christian wife. Submission to God is. By submitting to my husband in all things, I am modeling obedience to God. When I am empowered to faithfully execute my role as his helper, my husband is able to faithfully execute his role as the leader of our family under God. Our children see and enjoy the blessing of a godly household, not the common dysfunction of an ungodly world. If I was somehow still stuck in the egalitarian mindset that I get to define my place in my marriage, my life would have been marred by conflict and a constant need for me to prove my independence. And I know that my marriage couldn’t have lasted this long.  

Now when I think of what my job as a wife is and what my roles are I know that I don’t get to define it. God already did. And it is a great honor to love and be loved by my husband and to stand faithfully as his helper, partner, and friend, and raise our kids together, and live a wonderful life together. But if the cost was my perceived notion of self, I am happier now to submit to God and to my husband, who have pointed me back to the reality of who I am: I am who God says I am.  

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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez